Imaginary Beefcake Interview

The local gay bar paper/rag/newsletter has a section called Coverboy, which features beefcake pictures of a DC dweller, accompanied by an interview. It’s very reminiscent of The Jet Beauty and Page Three girl spread, only gayer. I will never make into those pages. And I am well aware that questions are tongue-in-cheek, and really, superfluous. But in an alternate world, where short and stocky is considered hot these would be my answers.

Craig Gidney lives and writes in DC. When he’s not pounding out enthralling stories, you can find him hanging out with friends, sampling the city’s cuisine or being uncle to his adorable nephew and niece. His hobbies include visiting museums, watching cult films and, of course, reading.
What’s on your nightstand?

I don’t really have a proper nightstand. The thing that serves as a makeshift nightstand holds my alarm clock.

What’s in your nightstand drawer?

Manuscripts full of my failed works.

What are your television favorites?

Game of Thrones, Walking Dead, American Horror Story

What was your favorite cartoon when you were a kid?


Who’s your greatest influence?

LaWanda Page

What’s your greatest fear?

A future dystopia controlled by the Religious Right.

Pick three people, living or dead, who you think would make the most fascinating dinner guests imaginable.

Diamanda Galas ; James Baldwin; H.P. Lovecraft. Diamanda would sing an aria, while Baldwin read Lovecraft the riot act.

What would you serve?


How would you describe your dream guy?

Someone with the soul of a poet, the compassion of a saint, the humor of Emo Phillips. But I’ll take hot over that any day.

Who should star in a movie about your life?

Alfonso Riberio.

Who gets on your nerves?

Devotees of Ayn Rand.

If your home was burning, what’s the first thing you’d grab while leaving?

My cat. Though she wouldn’t appreciate it.

Who’s your favorite musical artist?

Right Said Fred.

What’s your favorite website?

What’s the most unusual place you’ve had sex?

In the catacombs beneath Paris. With a C.H.U.D.

What’s your favorite food to splurge with?

Anything with lots and lots of saffron.

What’s your favorite season?

Winter. It’s a season of death.

What kind of animal would you be?

A cassowary. They look like a cross between a turkey and a velocioraptor, and can eviscerate you with a single kick.

What kind of plant would you be?

A corpse flower.

What kind of car would you be?

A jalopy

State your life philosophy in 10 words or less.

Watch it, sucker.

Watch it Sucka

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